Trauma work is grief work.
I had a lovely, unexpected 24hrs with my daughter last week. She was in town briefly for work and the stars aligned so I could spend that time with her chatting, cooking and watching TV. We watched Love on the Spectrum (how gorgeous) and the new Bridget Jones movie. We sobbed.
I won’t spoil it for you but look out for some beautiful grief rituals involving letters and balloons, as well as other touch points for staying connected to what was lost.
I have clients who no longer believe in heaven – so they’re grieving people they believed they’d see again. They bypassed the grief the first time round.
While our tendency can be to want to squash down our grief, using platitudes like earth’s loss, heaven’s gain (there are SO many of these); creating rituals for our grief can be so healing.
Here’s a few you could try:
1. Write a letter to the person (or animal) you have lost. Tell them the things you’d love them to know or how you wish things could be different.
2. Create a playlist of songs that remind you of them. Happy, sad, angry, it all belongs.
3. Make something creative like a collage of photos, or frame some pics you’ve had phone forever. Take note of the ones that still bring a lump to your throat.
4. Create a practice like making their favourite meal or a cake on their birthday or toasting them on the anniversary of the day they died. Say a few words.
5. Tell your friends or family stories they’ve heard 20 times, again, to help you stay connected to memories. Remember what you loved about them and how they impacted your life.
Have you done any of these? Or others?
How do you stay connected to people you have lost or the grief of relationships that have ended?
Or even the parts of yourself you can never be again.
Because trauma work is grief work, learning to soothe and comfort ourselves is so important. As is leaning into humour. Bridget Jones is good for a laugh!
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I’ve mentioned this beautiful, helpful book, Holy Hurt, over the last few weeks. It comes out in a few days and if you’ve experienced spiritual or religious trauma, is worth a read. This quote seems like a good fit when talking about grief.
My monthly-ish Substack went out last week, you can subscribe to that here if you like. I’m also going to send one in the lead up to Easter, which is an excerpt from my eBook. It’s so often a big time for people.
If you’d like to connect with me in counselling, you can get in touch here.
Warmly,
Jane
You can find me on Instagram, Substack and at The Religious Trauma Collective.
