I was reminded of a great descriptor yesterday – overcoupling. In context, it means attaching or blending two emotions or states together. For example, we witness the pain of other people and we take it on as our own.
This is different to empathy which says I can imagine and have compassion for what you are going through.
Another great descriptor, empathic distress, is the result of this overcoupling.
This can come from relational, cultural, historical or global trauma that we take on as our own.
It’s normal to turn towards, get caught up in, feel for, push against the suffering of the world and those around us. This is human attunement and how we connect, it fuels change in the world. We mirror the suffering of others. A shift takes place in our bodies.
But a great question to ask when you then notice yourself becoming overwhemled or reactive to this suffering is, have I connected my own emotional state to suffering that isn’t mine to carry?
Where is your body shifting and experiencing sensation as you think about the suffering of others? Do you lose yourself in it or are you able to feel it and come back, orienting towards things that ground you?
Even if my partner or my child is in pain, have I taken this on as my own to the extent that I can’t be present for them?
This may sound harsh but actually, if we are experiencing the suffering of others as our own, we render ourselves unable to be here, wherever here is. Wherever they are.
Try this exercise.
Notice what is safe (where there is ease) as well as unsafe (fear, anxiety) about hard situations.
Give yourself permission to feel the ease and lightness as well as the pain and suffering. (This isn’t positive override or bypassing).
If you are caring for someone who is really sick for example, is there something beautiful about the room they’re in? Was the sun shining in a window perhaps?
Can you allow your focus to be on those elements of beauty for a moment? What do you notice a shift in your body as you allow more goodness in?
My mother’s nursing home has six stunning frangipani trees and a lavender bush in the gardens outside her room. The beauty helps me soften into the suffering of people in pain and confused, feeling alone at the end of their lives. Helps me be present there instead of freezing up and being swallowed by it. I notice my shoulders relax when I orient towards them.
I can be more present for her if I’m not in my own state of overwhelm, as I remind myself I’m safe and young (ish) and this is not mine to carry at this point in time. It’s actually a bridge to empathy. The same is true for activism, cultural shifts and supporting friends going through hard things.
I’d love to hear your thoughts on this.
If you’d like to make an appointment for counselling online or in-person in Marrickville, you can book in here.
JANE
