I’m still thinking through what it means for me having lost so much through leaving church, and I find the concept of domains helpful. We have the domains of family, work, contribution and service, our inner worlds and then belonging to groups like faith communities, sports clubs and other interests, like hobbies.
We need to draw from each of these domains to have our needs met for social connection and co-regulation. There are times when things will be skewed towards one domain more than the others, but we need input from varied sources. Evolutionarily, this is also true.
The many Indigenous groups I worked with during my time in the International Aid sector model this beautifully. Everyone in the village has different roles and these roles change throughout the lifespan.
Each set of people in their roles interact with one another and then the larger group at different times of the day and throughout the month and year. Often outside villages would then connect and celebrations would be marked by regional gatherings. When people move to urban centres for work, they are still from a place and a people and tend to return whenever they can.
And it’s in this way that therapy is woefully inadequate.
We are people with collectivist DNA, living in individualist societies. A therapy session may be every week or every two, but it’s just one domain.
And, while you’re figuring out how to build and rebuild, switch between and add to your domains with courage and vulnerability, it’s what we have now.
Also, my intention isn’t to romanticise village life or suggest it’s the answer, but we are built for connection in this way and must find ways to be from somewhere, even if that isn’t a location but a group, and even if that changes many times throughout our lives.
I’ve been working with clients recently to map these domains. Tenderly and with an internalised sense of safety gradually being established, this becomes possible. One client comes to mind who has experienced trauma from within their family of origin and can no longer relate to them. New domains need to be built and expanded with courage.
Another is realising her faith community was really the only domain she engaged with, for work, family, contribution and interest. Now that’s been lost she is starting again, in her fifties.
So while what we need is more people, community, to be seen and known, therapy is what we have now; for supporting internal safety so that, in time new domains can be built.
If you’d like to make an appointment for counselling online or in-person in Marrickville, you can book in here.
