Almost a week ago I deleted the social media apps from my phone. It was getting hard to hear myself think and I needed to clear my head. And I find I’m daydreaming again, which is kind of lovely.
Peace is our natural state. That doesn’t necessarily mean zen-like or even calm, it means at peace, at ease. Able to slowly enjoy a meal and notice the sky or relax with people (including fur people) and switch off for while. It’s the flow state we get into when we create or play. We can’t live there, but so many of us are finding it harder to get back there in our 24/7 world.
Our minds and our bodies are more and more on alert, bracing for threat, moving quickly, busy, busy. It’s so easy to lose ourselves and confuse productivity with worthiness.
I don’t share this from a virtuous high horse, I’ve spent hundreds (thousands?) of hours mindlessly watching people’s making-their-lunch videos and consuming ads targeted very accurately to my algorithm. And doing mental parkour from skincare for over 50’s to Trump’s latest heinous act.
I understand how for people who are neurodivergent or have experienced trauma, the predictable scroll can be regulating. It’s also a connector, it helps us feel part of the world. We just to find ways to still be in our world.
I’ll be back on socials, I just need some more time out – and I’ll be renegotiating my relationship with it. I think it’s also the urgency of it all I find myself resisting.
That feeling of being compelled (people pleaser from way back here!) to engage with the often authoritarian voices telling me how to think, feel and behave feels ick because it is and it feels like being back in high-control religion. And the therapeutic, wellbeing, progressive and spiritual voices are not really any different to others no matter how carefully I curate my feed.
I can’t live in that space anymore in the same way, it’s exhausting me. It feels like being at a party where everyone is loud and sometimes violent and the overstimulated ones are trying to find a quiet corner to breathe. I’m stepping outside for some air and I’ll see when and how it feels right to go back in. There’s a lot of people I like in there, but it’s too loud for me at the moment.
And, it’s also not real life. It’s about things happening out there somewhere and on platforms that are designed to make a lot of money, they reel (pardon the pun) us in very deliberately, keep us addicted.
It’s not a real representation of your household, your neighbourhood or your city. It can be escapism in that way which I’m all for, I love the wildflower garden, travel and food accounts, and who doesn’t love seeing Pedro Pascal memes, but it’s not community as we’re constantly promised.
It can point to community, from virtual coffee catchups to in-person bookclubs, but social media isn’t community. And it can’t be that safely, it isn’t the right container for it.
You could be forgiven if you follow me on Insta, for thinking that all I talk about is religious trauma. And of course, that’s a big part of the work I love, but I have a whole life outside that and I want to be more present for it.
I have a feeling that will make me more present on socials too. Clearer about how I feel about my corner of the internet and how it can be of service to people while still feeling like me. I don’t want to lose my voice or feel like I can’t hear myself think any more.
It’s also why I love my weekly-ish email and Substack. They feel slower and so many of you lovely people reply and chat with me. It feels like a conversation.
And perhaps at this stage in my life that’s where I’m at. Less hot takes and more conversation.
Give it a go – walk away from the phone and see what your body tells you.
Do you feel anxious without it?
Does it feel like relief?
Do you remember how to find ease, play, be at peace, do nothing?
Can you do the above while being attached at the hip to your phone? If yes, I’d genuinely love to hear how.
It doesn’t have to be complicated, finding this ease state, but it absolutely takes intention.
For me, I had to remove the distractions and drop back into my body this week.
I stayed with the discomfort of FOMO and feeling a bit disoriented.
I took my shoes off and stood on the grass in between clients, with my face in the sun.
I went for my first bike ride in months yesterday.
I did yoga this morning.
I’ve been looking at the morning sky through my office window.
I’ve started writing again.
I did a 20 minute meditation for the first time in, about a year I think.
My phone has the ring tone on when I’m not working, so I can hear if my kids text or call but otherwise it’s mostly in another room. It feels more liberating than I could have imagined and at this point I can’t imagine going back!
I’d love to hear how this lands with you. Does it feel possible?
If you’d like to connect with me in counselling, you can get in touch here.
Warmly,
Jane
You can find me on Instagram, Substack and at The Religious Trauma Collective.
