When we talk about stress and trauma responses, we hear a lot about fight & flight. The instinct to punch something or run, be it from a tiger or a terse email.
This is often celebrated, we think it’s great when people are perceived as being strong or resilient when they stand up for themselves or cope with / get out of a stressful or dangerous situation. Conversely we shame ourselves and sort of pity others when we/they freeze up, can’t speak, feel immobilised. Why couldn’t I have said what was on my mind instead of crying and feeling like I couldn’t breathe?! Or worse, why did I fawn over that condescending person like that as they were yelling at me?
The truth is these responses are unconscious and hardwired. I spent years fawning without realising that’s what I was doing. The flattery that is meant for appeasing an attacker to avoid confrontation.
I spent even longer freezing – I still do it as an unconcious go-to stress response – but I’ve learnt to bring awareness to it now, re-pattern and reset. I can also bring compassion to that part of me that senses danger and clams up. It’s the alert system of my brain trying to keep me safe.
It happens less often now and doesn’t last as long. This is what neuroplasticity looks like.
When we’ve experienced chronic stress and trauma the messages from our brain’s alert system to the body can get muddled up. So while objectively I may be safe from an immediate threat to my life, my brain may perceive danger from internal and external cues. It may notice without my awareness, fragments of colour, light, smell, sensation and attach them to moments where I have felt unsafe before, or even things I know can be unsafe like a woman walking by herself at night.
It then works with my breath, my muscles and my voice box, my temperature, sense of balance and heart rate – in a matter of seconds, I’m like a deer in the headlights.
In the same way our body braces for freeze, it can unfurl for ease.
Next time you notice yourself freezing up:
Notice that’s what’s happening
Bring awareness to where you feel it in your body
Bring compassion to the response, understanding the nervous system pathway
Rather than Why do I always do this?! Try What do I need next?
Steady yourself
Remove yourself from a situation if needed
Take some deep belly breaths
Shake your hands for 30 seconds up to a few minutes till you feel increased blood flow
Hold yourself
Cross your arms over your chest and tap your hands to bring your energy up (upregulate).
When we respond with compassion and un-shame our trigger reactions, we start to lay down new grooves, new paths in the way our nervous system can travel. We start to unfreeze.
I love working with people to come home to themselves.
If you’d like to make an appointment for counselling online or in-person in Marrickville, you can book in here.
